Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Antiques Roadshow (AKA Basement-Crap-Roadshow) - Ladies and Gentlemen, may I introduce you to...ITGD!!

Earlier today, I was having a conversation with our IT Guru, Dave (here after known as: ITGD) and our conversation drifted to those who feel compelled to wear a fanny pack.  If you don't know what a fanny pack is, your definition can be found here.  But seriously...if you don't know what one is by need to crawl out from under your umbrella hat a little more often...

ITGD is a rather hysterical individual and it's to him that I can attribute my W*ii-related injury.  Damn him and his recommendations for highly addicting W*ii games...Boom Blox in particular.

I digress...

So, our banter back and forth was regarding the patient's husband standing in front of me and his fanny pack that he was wearing as a man-purse.  He wasn't even wearing it as a typical fanny pack.  He was wearing it slung over his shoulder.  *Shaking my head*  Our conversation was getting funnier and funnier until we went from the fact that the guy HAS a fanny pack to the typical demographic wearing one.  (FYI...that demographic tends to be the avid garage sale-er.  Which by ITGD's standards is any Baby Boomer on a fixed income *snicker, chuckle, snort*)

His first description cracked me up...

"Gnarled fingers defly move a plasic zipper to grasp the all the important quarter to purchase the find of the century"

To which I responded:
"Hey now...that could wind up on Ant!que R0adshow and they could live in infamy with their bridge buddies!"

ITGD then went on to give me a description of an ep he has seen of AR that absolutely cracked him up.  I asked him if I could use his story, he said yes, and here in its entirety, is ITGD's story about his favorite part of reality tv...take it away ITGD!!!

I’ll admit it - I like watching Antiques Roadshow even though I have little interest in antiques.  Like most things on public television, it’s the human drama that interesting.  It has to be.  Otherwise, it wouldn’t be “Antiques Roadshow” it would be “Basement-Crap-Roadshow”.  We are treated to the occasional fascinating, unexpected piece of history.  One of my favorites is the 15th century Italian parade helmet found stuck in grandma’s rafters in an effort the keep the squirrels out.  Fancy squirrel block for a quarter of a million dollars.  Other finds are interesting because of the family histories involved.  Grandpa’s civil war sword; grandma’s letter from Teddy Roosevelt; a stick of furniture with history lost to the sands of time.  Its the people that make the antiques interesting.  Without them, is a hunk of metal, a bit of paper, and stick of wood.  These are the casual antiquarians we usually see.  Many people watch NASCAR for the wrecks, I watch AR for much the same reason.  My favorite AR wreck goes something like this…

Some guy comes onto the screen quite sure of himself, quite puffed up, taking control… and, always with a fanny pack.  [Fanny packs were *never* a good idea for many reasons.  (1) Bustles and bustiers haven’t been in vogue for about 100 years.  (2) For the type of person that wears a fanny pack above their fanny - is this *really* the part of your body to which you want to draw attention? (3) Fanny packs are as cool as leather vests.  (4) Wearing a fanny pack in front makes it a tummy pouch pack.  Again, is this where you want to draw attention? (5) Men - pockets, women - purses, joggers/runners - do you *really* need all that crap while you run?]  He strides in front of his “find” and stares into the camera like David Brinkley announcing the assassination of the president.  The “expert” has to wait quietly while all this peacocking goes on.  The expert opens the conversation by asking about the story behind the “piece”.  Mr. Goodbar tells the story of how this very valuable antique was brought over on the boat from the old country by great-great-great-great someone.  Of course, the voyage was tough, the ancestor @@pristine, and both the ancestor and piece barely survive.  Then the story continues about how it was lovingly passed down through the generations to the most intelligent, inspiring, and loved offspring.  (Which explains without saying why it’s on possession of Mr. Goodbar and none of his other good-for-nothing siblings.)  He recently came into possession of the adored family heirloom and wants to know more about it’s history… and value… for insurance purposes ONLY!  He’d never dream of parting with this piece of family heritage.  He resumes his Brinkley-esque stance to receive the news that he’s inherited the most valuable piece of antiquity this side of King Tut’s tomb.  He patiently waits and acts interested as the expert explains very interesting” things about this type of furniture/watch/toy/axe/driftwood.  As the expert comes to the end of the “generic” explanation, Mr. Goodbar prepares himself for what he know’s is coming - he has *at least* $500,000 on his hands if not more.  He braces himself, prepares the tears of joy, keeps his hands at his side so they don’t shoot up in the air when the announcement comes… Finally, the moment arrives. The expert announces that the “piece” (note the missing end of that popular phrase) was made not in the 1820s, the 1720s, the 1620s, or the 1520s.  It was made in Pittsburgh in the 1920s, mostly likely by child slave labor.  The only thing it has in common with “the boat from the old country” is rank smell and some rotted wood.  Oh, and it’s worth about $15 if a professional cleans it up.  Mr. Goodbar then cries into his fanny pack all the way home.

I love public television.

And this is why I look forward to ITGD's visits to our location...not only does he magically fix whatever is ailing our computers...but I get to have a great dose of laughter at the same time!!!!  By the way, never get in a "Flair War" with ITGD...he's lethal.  I had "The Final Countdown" stuck in my head for days after our last battle.  *sigh*

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