Sunday, January 14, 2007

Mental Vomit

Okay, so I posted this not too long ago on my myspace blog...and felt like keeping it for posterity.

Disclaimer: I titled this Mental Vomit for a reason, you're going to read a lot of "me" stuff and realize that yes I know that there is rational thought somewhere in the back of my mind. If you aren't comfortable with someone venting or "mentally vomiting" please stop reading now. Please feel free to comment, but remember...I'm fine...just need to get this off my chest.
So, we all know I moved out of my place with John and Dan because it's where I was financially drowning. Yup, we know it. I got some interesting news this week though from one of the ex-roommates. They are getting a third roommate (this honest to god doesn't bother me), and John told me to guess who it was...yup, his worst nightmare came true. Bill was moving in this week with the guys. Have fun boys.

I've been having problems (in my screwy head) lately though, now that I'm BACK at mom and dad's, that I feel like I'm drowning, but in a different sense. I know, I'm lucky, I have a roof over my head, family who loves me no matter how bad I screw up, but I can't shake this feeling of never going to be able to get out of this god forsaken rut I feel I'm in.
It's hard because I feel like most of my friends are unavailable. Not because you want to be unavailable, or make yourselves unavailable. Please understand that I know you have lives! Most of you are on one end of the spectrum of life or another. There are some of you that are married, happily living life and working on your families. (I'm jealous.) Then there are the rest of you loving dating, going out to bars, get drunk, go home, (some of you with strange people, but hey, that's your choice) be hungover for a day, start the cycle over again. I know I'm not on one end of the spectrum (married, kids, etc.) but I feel like I'm past the other end of it, and am stuck somewhere in the middle!

What I feel like is that my friends are out living their lives and having a good time, and I'm stuck on the other side of the two way glass watching the whole thing pass me by. I try to put myself out there, and just feel that no matter how hard I try, I'm still just that junior high kid who feels like no body wants them there. Yes, this is a complex in my own head that I'm doing everything I can to kick back into gear and realize I'm just throwing myself a pity party. However, when this is what you feel everyday when you see your friends get into relationships that are great, it's hard!!! You are ESTATIC for them, and not in that phony way, you are genuinely happy for them in their new found whatever. You just wish it was you for once.

If you can't already tell, I also have lately had a really hard time of processing what's going on in my life with relationships. Yes, I had a really bad situation and I'm out of it. (I swear Melissa...NEVER AGAIN.) Apparently, my old bad situation decided to finally end the other half of the situation and move out. Not only did he leave, but now, he's asking about me. It kills me. I've already nipped that in the bud. I remind myself of the pain I went through and the stupidity I felt while in and just after that relationship, but the sadistic part of me wonders. I wonder if it had been under different circumstances, things might have worked. The whole "what if" factor. After that whole hell was over, I thought I found a guy who I maybe I could spend some more time getting to know from my past, and maybe see where things could go. We had a good time while we were together, but apparently, it's impossible to be the man in the situation after that and YOU be the one to start conversations and YOU be the one to call. (Rachel, this is where your WONDERFUL phrase of "NUT UP" comes in to play.)

Is this a part of me demanding the "princess" treatment? Maybe. But ya know what, how often do I demand that? I would like to think that I am an easy going girl who goes with the flow...but when it comes down to something that is as important as love, can my standards be set too high? I know that some people believe that yes, you can set your standards too high, but I guess I'm at the point where I don't want to lower my standards in order to be loved, because if you can't love me (every part of the crazy mixed up me) for who I am, screw you. You aren't the one. That may be conceited, but so what. Love me for me or move on to someone else.

Nobody should have to change to be loved.