Thursday, May 19, 2011

Defying Gravity

So for the last almost year, I have had this insane pull back to Seattle.  I can't explain it, I don't know what it is exactly...I can't put my finger on it.  The stars haven't aligned, the plans haven't worked out, the ducks aren't in their row.  (How many more cliches can I come up with for this?)

I can't put into words myself this feeling that has been in my gut, and I don't know what will eventually either satisfy this "craving" or pull, or whatever you want to call it.  I visited in October, and that seems to have been enough for a little I'm going back for a friend's wedding in a month, and I can already tell, I don't want to come back.

I love Colorado.  I love my life, friends, family, everything that is here.  I have a pretty sweet gig.  But there is this nagging feeling, and I don't know how to explain it.  (It doesn't  help that work is incredibly stressful right now and putting everything in a moving van and driving West sounds absolutely awesome.)  Am I going to pack my entire life into a U-Haul this weekend and move across the country?  No.  (First off, it's already Thursday, I don't have enough time to pack everything, plus I'm getting a nice table and chairs on Monday.)  Do I wish I could some days?  Yes.  (Oh, and PS: the week straight of Seattle-esque weather Colorado has been having, isn't helping.  Don't get me wrong,  I ADORE the rain, but the rest of the state is starting to freak out a bit.)

Some people find references for life in a tv show (and trust me, usually I would find one in the show "Friends"), but with my theatre loving background, I have taken to my favorite musical...Wicked.  The closing song to the first act, Defying Gravity, brought me to tears the first time I saw it live.  Such power, such strength, such emotion,  To give you a bit more to work with other than me sitting here gushing about the song, here are a few snippets of the lyrics...imagine these powerful words being sung by a girl painted green...and a girl who is dressed in buttercup yellow.

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone ele's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much to high a cost!
I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down.

Maybe I'm supposed to eventually move back to Seattle, maybe I'm supposed to be here and go back to visit...I don't know right now.  Hopefully though, the stars will align, the plans will work out and those elusive ducks will get into their rows...and life might start being clear again.

No comments: