Friday, February 18, 2011

November, 2008

Enough time has passed, that I've decided it's ok to post this. Names and initials have been removed, as I have no intent of being mean, but I am someone who has every intention of being transparent, and not hiding parts of who I am.  If you have further questions, I will be happy to answer them on a one on one basis...also, this original blog is over 2 years old all things have happened in the past.

**Disclaimer - portions of this blog have been cut and pasted from emails and/or IM conversations, so there may be some lack of continuity at some points as well as a bit more emotion as they were "live" conversations vs a recounting of a part of a story.**

So I have a roommate. As do most people who can't afford renting a decent place on their own. My roommate owns our townhome. I help pay the mortgage. Anyways. I moved in with my roommate in July of this year (on one of the hottest days of the summer no less) and have been having quite a good roommate experience. Until last month. Now, don't get me wrong, the rent is good, the location in reference to work is great and most of my social circles are within a reasonable driving distance.

Roommate and I were friends from church before I moved into the house. Roommate knew of many different aspects of my life, as friends do, including some of my so-called love life. I have eluded to the guy I have had feelings for in previous blogs...see HERE.

But it's amazing how things change and how fast they change.

I had never told the guy I blogged about how I feel about him. Yes, I know, some say chicken. I guess I would prefer to say self-preservation.  Roommate has known about my feelings for this guy long before we lived together. Before me, she knew vaguely who he was. Now, because I pushed, she knows him, as well as our other mutual friend.

Fast forward a month or so and we (Him, Roommate and I) go camping. GREAT time was had by all. The following weekend, Mutual Friend, Him, Roommate and I all go camping again. We end up stranded for a couple extra days yet, we had an amazing time again. It was at this point that I began to wonder if Him had feelings for Roommate and vice versa, so I asked her/told her my thoughts. She told me, no, don't give up, it's all in my head. I try to put the whole scenario behind me and move on in the weekend. The next week, Him, Roommate and I went to dinner, and Roommate pulls me aside before we meet up with Roommate. She said she had to talk to me, and she had to admit she lied to me, that she too had wondered about how Him was acting. She said she couldn't lie, it felt good to be paid attention to like that. I had my freakout the next day at work. My poor co-workers had a blubbering Jolene on their hands all day.

*Now, mind you, at this point in my own relationship with Him, we were emailing, texting, calling etc, MULTIPLE times per day...once we were done camping, this quickly became a thing of the past.*

A couple weeks later, Roommate asked me while we were hanging out at home, what did I think of Mutual Friend? I asked "romantically?" and she said "Well, that answers THAT question!" but she also pointed out that I should think about it. Well, hindsight is 20/ I know why she was pushing Mutual Friend so much. Her feelings for Him were getting stronger...and she was starting to act on them.

So, in late September, it finally comes to light (btw...late September was only about 6-7 weeks from when I called her out on her feelings before) and only because I flat out asked her again, you have feelings for Him don't you? She buries her face in a pillow and says "I'm such a slimeball". Then after about 10 seconds, she answers me with a "Yes". Immediately I am hit with a tidal wave of emotions. It runs the gammut, from sheer rage and hurt to pure anger and hate to another sense of complete devastation and rejection. It's funny how you can get these feelings of rejection from a man I didn't truly give the chance to do just that...reject me. Instantly Roommate wants to go for a go see the colors/leaves change. I was incredibly quiet the entire time. Which creeped Roommate out. (Good.)

Incident #1 -

Later the same week, I had tickets to a concert (Jon McLaughlin...I love you.) and ran into another fan I've seen at other shows and have gotten to know. She offers me a ticket to see him again the next night at another venue. I accepted, but then on Thursday, realize I have so much to do and how tired I am from the night before, so I decided not to go. So after going to my parents' house I make it home just before 8. Now, we are not the neatest of girls, but we also get to a point where we clean up after ourselves as well. I got home and the house looked like we had been cleaning for a while (when in all actuality, we had NEEDED to have been cleaning for a while). She comes downstairs and says "what are YOU doing home? I thought you were going to a concert?" Hmmm...seems I have thwarted some plans. Yup, Him was coming over after he got off work, and not only did she clean the house, but she made him dinner. This whole charade happened only FOUR DAYS after she told me she had feelings for the guy. This made me so incredibly pissed, its not even funny. I was a good girl though and sat and suffered in silence. I thought about saying something to her, but knew that Saturday, the four of us were going hiking, and I really was looking forward to that and didn't want to make it anymore awkward than it was already going to be.

Incident #2

A couple weeks or so later, on a Tuesday, Him, Roommate and I go to dinner. We have a great time. We are headed back towards our part of town after dinner and they were going to go with me to take care of a friend's dogs really quick. Instead, about half way back, Roommate says "why don't you drop us off at home so we can talk"? So I drop them off. Okay, still doing good. I get back from taking care of the dogs...they are in the living room about to watch a DVD lecture from an author who's book I haven't finished yet. I also have a TON of laundry and other things to do downstairs in my room. I leave them to their DVD. I'm doing great, I'm very proud of myself. Everything is going great. Until about 1145/midnight. I hear a soft knocking on my door. It's Roommate and she says "Him fell asleep on the couch...what do I do?" Now, mind you, this is by far NOT the first time that Him has fallen asleep on our couch and stayed there. I told her "You leave him...obviously he is tired." "Yeah, he's had a hard week." "Oh really? What's going on?" "Oh," (insert smug smirk here) "sorry, I've been sworn to secrecy". W...T...F... Who the hell does this kind of "I know something you don't know" kind of thing outside of Junior High???

Incident #3

It's Roommate's birthday. I planned dinner with Him and Mutual Friend and I for the Monday after her birthday. Complete and total DISASTER. Mutual Friend made amazing food. stuffed chicken, cous cous and caesar salad the rest of the night (except for a few moments of conversation and a good game of Taboo) sucked. Roommate essentially scolded me like a frickin' 3 year old at the dinner table when I brought the cake over. I have pretty much lost any kind of real friendship/relationship I ever had with Him at this point, he doesn't talk to me, doesn't respond if I try to get ahold of him (rarely anyways). So when Roommate scolded me at the table and said "his blood sugars are FINE you should have ASKED" I just shut down. I was so embarrassed. Mutual Friend came to my defense, he got the same thing, but since he and Him actually TALK, he could snap back at her. I have tried to talk to Him, I don't get answers, I don't get anything but the "I'm fine". So at this point, I'm done. She is mothering the crap out of him, (which obviously he's eating up), they are getting along wonderfully (as I can guess by the myriad of secrets going on), and apparently I just don't have a place in their world. I'm so incredibly sick of being treated so crappy. The rest of the evening went on, but let me tell you, it was STONE SILENT in the car on the way home at 3:00 that morning. 3am, You ask? Him's blood sugars were all out of whack, so we stuck around playing taboo and talking until then. There was another issue that I'm dealing with at church re: a serving team that Him, Mutual Friend and I all work on, and who better than my two fellow servers to help me out right? So I was talking about what was going on, and Mutual Friend offered to help me out with the confrontation that is going to have to happen (I HATE CONFRONTATION) and before I could say anything, Roommate jumped in and said "No, she needs to do it herself." EXCUSE ME??? Am I not a frickin' 30 year old who can speak for my own damn self???? Mutual Friend still offered to either coach me as to what to say or be there when it happens so I could have someone to lean on, and he kind of said that softer after the attack from Roommate and I whispered/mouthed "Thank You" to him.

The Confrontation...

So after all this, I finally broke down and ended up having it out with her about the whole thing and bringing up these three incidents and I still don't feel like she really understands what exactly she's done, but she also, honestly, I don't think she will until something else would happen. What I don't know. Everything in me just wants to be done with this whole situation, but I'm also not one to give up on friends, so I feel like I'm so incredibly torn. I KNOW that the best thing for myself and the friendship with Roommate will be moving out, but sadly, that just won't happen for another few months.

I finally sent Him an email the Friday after the confrontation regarding our own issues, and I got a response and have been able to converse with him since.

In the mean time, Him had to have a semi-serious surgery last Wednesday. He dropped a rather large bomb re: surgery stating he had surgery in an hour and would talk to us tomorrow. Uh...HELLO??? When Roommate got her message, panic completely sets in. She left him eleven...ELEVEN voicemails in a 24 hour period. That doesn't count the numerous text messages and emails she sent him as well. I knew that once he went in for surgery, there wasn't going to be much we could really do. He's under excellent care and he said he would get in touch with us. I come home that Thursday night and Roommate is having a mental breakdown because she feels she's getting mixed signals from Him. What the hell did you think you were going to get? Glowing cones that say LAND HERE or COME THIS WAY? HELL NO! I sat there for about 2 minutes, spouted off a couple of trite things and then went to bed. I couldn't do anything else so why torture myself? At one point in our short conversation she actually tried to justify Him's actions/downward spiral by accusing me of sending him over the edge with my email. Are you F$&%ING kidding me???? Right, because an already answered email is what sent him over the proverbial edge. Try again.

Friday (the next day) I come home after work having received an email from Him stating what has been going on (quite a bit but that's another day...) to find Roommate in a state of relief that Him is alright, but to also find out that even though the email we all receive from Him stating that he is not at a point that he is willing to hang out/see folks, Roommate has pushed her way in. I call her on her actions to which I don't get the nicest of reactions. Oh well. Oh, and she informs me that the next day, Him will be coming over.

The Prelude to Incident #5

THANK GOD I have plans for 90% of the day Saturday. I don't have to be here to watch this monstrosity. (Dont' get me wrong, I did want to see Him to give him a hug, tell him how I would personally rip his arms off if he ever pulled that again, but didn't want to have to sit through the awkward crap that was going to happen.) She tells me how things went with Him and how she talked him through all this. She even went so far as to try to justify some things and when I called her on THAT, again, I get crap. She was trying to go into more with him that he definitely needs a professional for...not someone who is still dealing with enough of her own things. I told her that I thought that was something that someone outside the four of us (Him, Mutual Friend, Roommate and myself) should handle. Apparently, I am wrong.

Incident #5 - Tonight in my living room

Unbfreakinlevable. It's happened. Tonight, Roommate tells me that on Saturday, in the midst of their huge conversation, Roommate went and told him how she feels...and he actually feels the same...well, I should rephrase. Not the same, he has feelings for her, but not at the same level of intensity. What the hell.

(Now, I should tell you, I've been over Him for quite some time now...what I'm NOT over is the bullsh!t that Roommate is consistently pulling so that she can feel better about her decision to continue pursuing a relationship with Him.)

Anyone have the winning powerball ticket so I can afford to move out?

Stay tuned for the latest developments, brought to you as my brain can handle dumping them here.

It is now after 1 am and I am in much need of sleep...until later...good night, and good luck.

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