Monday, September 8, 2008

Rambling/Mentally cleaning house...

So I've had feelings for this guy for months...quite a few months really. He has a troubled past (I can hear you now, who doesn't?), and I mean really troubled. His parents really f'd him over when it came to life and a childhood. In spite of all that, he is an AMAZING guy. He has chosen to take the road less traveled, even though it's been harder, and to see the person that he has become is honestly very humbling yet inspiring at the same time. (If you know who this person is, please for the love of God, respect my fragile sense of pride and humility and don't go blabbing the entire contents of this blog to him, my heart is already in pieces, don't smash it further or the poor soul who finally does win me over, is going to have one helluva time with the super glue.)

Last weekend, it happened (don't jump ahead, don't get excited...just hear me out). I came to the nasty and always oh-so-fun realization that the chances of something happening with this guy, as amazing as he is, are about as good as if I wanted to run for President. Nil. He has serious health issues, and his excuse (at least one of them) is that he doesn't want to burden someone else with his problems. He received a rather loud wake up call recently twice over. One was that his team of doctors told him that essentially has a 5 year life expectancy. (Holy crap, can't imagine getting that news at ANY point in life.) The second was one of his good friends from Search and Rescue (yet another thing this guy is involved in outside of his two jobs) died in the fires in Portland over Labor Day Weekend. He immediately went into a tailspin of who would I leave behind? Who would take care of my things and make MY arrangements? Holy crap, I can't even begin to imagine putting those thoughts together, let alone at 24 years old. (Yes, I know, he's younger, I've come to grips with it, move on.) Cut to about 24 hours later in the weekend, and it's as if I never existed...he's pulled this before, dumps a ton of information on me for no other reason (it seems) other than to see if I'll run. Hmmm...maybe (just MAYBE) if you've been telling me these things for almost a year and I haven't gone anywhere, I might be in this for the long haul. But hey, guy logic and girl logic as we all know, are two TOTALLY different things.

I hate to say it but I think the time is past if it isn't passing as we speak. I have no desire to lose this person as a friend, he's amazing and if I ever need anything (and trust me I've needed his help a couple times with things) I know he would do whatever he can to help me out. I don't want to give up hope for something in the future, but I don't want to be sitting here waiting until I'm 40 for him to figure it out either...I'm torn. Have I started looking elsewhere? Of course. Has my roommate pointed someone out to "think about"? yes. Have I started thinking about it? Kinda.

Now, I have this friend a rather good confidant actually, whom I have perfected the art of "the pact" or "priviledge" as we call it. He has known my feelings for this person for what to him I'm sure seems like an eternity. He has encouraged/pushed me to make my feelings known, however I have never felt like the timing has been right.

Does this mean that now is the time? When the guy I have had feelings for is pretty adamant that he won't let himself get into any type of romantic relationship with anybody? What if this isn't just to keep out anybody...what if it's just to keep out me? Am I completely crazy? All of my friends who have met this guy think he's great, all of the signs I've been getting have pointed towards relationship. (Outside opinion says so too...) Yet here I sit, still single, with amazing friends, yet no chance of a romantic relationship on the horizon. Do I give up? Do I soldier through and make my feelings known, knowing that in the long run, it may come back to bite me in the ass? Do I just resign myself to knowing that there is next to no chance for something to happen and move on and continue having an amazing friendship with this person? What do I do?

Any witty reparte (in small doses) is welcome, so is advice, funny comments, etc...I look forward to hearing it all...

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