Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I started this entry last week...it's taken me that long to get around to finishing it. Apparently I'm too easily distracted from doing a mental unload to...oooooooo....new pens!
On an average day, I like most people, have a slew of random thoughts that run through my brain. Do I have a clean pair of pants to wear to work? Where's my cell phone? Why didn't I go to bed earlier? I shouldn't have eaten that, I SHOULD have eaten THAT. Where's my cell phone? Holyyyy cow...he was HOT!!! With my ADD brain, the list is enormous and not worth delving into really.
It's today's thoughts that make me think harder...
What is wrong with me? I should be bouncing back from a long weekend of having fun...get back into the groove of things. I can't. I am exhausted. I come home at night, and I'm sure if my body would let me, I would fall asleep at 8pm, but instead, even if my ass is in bed by 10, I lie awake and cannot fall asleep until at least 12 or 1.
I had a good friend extend an offer to me that I couldn't pass up. I feel extremely humbled that she thought of me, and am sure that I will not regret my decision later on, but what is it about accepting help (in one form or another) that makes you either feel like you can't do it (like I do now) or somehow no matter how gracious the offer is, you just don't want to take it?
This same good friend asked me last night if I was okay. I gave the stock answer of yes, but tired, recovering from the wedding (my sister's, not mine...yeah, like THAT wouldn't have been posted about.) was taking a bit longer etc. I got to thinking about it today...I don't know that I AM.
I've been emailing with a good friend today and seeing if she wants to get together for dinner. (Big deal you say.) I wanted to work around her schedule, she's a new mommy...I know that working around a baby's schedule can make or break a get together. She was so cute..."you're the one with hopping social life...you tell me..." Umm, is it bad that I'm ready to NOT be so busy? That I'm ready to be able to go home, sit down and chill out? I love my friends dearly, but lately I don't know what it is...I'd rather be home than out. Maybe it's because I'm not 21 anymore and can't bounce back like I used to. (FYI, no jokes about age are needed, thanks, and YES a decade (holy shit, a full decade) does make a difference in how quickly you recover!!!)
I'm fine with getting older, I'm fine with the fact that both of my younger siblings (not that I have any others) are in great relationships and one is married before me. I was seriously floored that I got the question of "how are doing with the fact that your younger sister is getting married before you?" during the whole melee of wedding preparations. YES! I am FINE with it! Are you kidding? Do you know how much I learned by watching what my sister went through? I swear, you may help a lot of friends do things for their weddings, but until it's THAT close to home...you have a new appreciation for all the crap one must consider before throwing yourself the biggest party ever. My dad asked me when planning for my sister's wedding was starting to ramp up "How are you doing with all this?", now, you might say "You just said you were fine..." and trust me, I am...when your Daddy asks though, he's asking because he's thinking about his other kids outside of the bride (or groom as the case may be) not because he's being condescending or rude. My answer (and I quote) was: "Are you kidding? I'm fine! I get to sit back and watch how you and Mom handle all this and decide if I really DO want to run off to Vegas or if I want to actually consider having some kind of "real" wedding." After watching everything...I can officially tell you that it will take a lot of convincing to make me want something other than Las Vegas. I do draw the line at the drive thru wedding though. Oh but rest assured, Elvis WILL be involved somehow. If no other reason than just to piss off my mother.
Life is good, I can't really complain...I can piss and moan about the daily things that piss me off, but I am employed, I truly love my job (despite what I may bitch about some days), I have a family that loves me, and I'm relatively healthy. My basics are covered, I have a roof over my head, bills that I have money to pay, food to eat, clothes to cover me. Why then do I feel like something is missing?
*Sigh* I should probably get back to work...after all, I want to keep this job, keep being able to pay my bills etc...ha ha.
Adios for now...