So here I sit, on a beautiful Sunday afternoon (my last one of freedom for a while I might add) and I should be outside loving the fall weather, going for a drive in the mountains, taking Baxter for a walk...SOMETHING.
Instead, I sit here in my room, writing my blog, flipping between football, Spiderman and Comedy Central. I should be getting laundry done, my room cleaned up, because since I got home from Cali (over a week or so ago) I have yet to finish unpacking, do laundry and make sure I have clean clothes for work tomorrow.
All this makes me wonder, am I just plain lazy lately or am I slipping back into depression again? I for the love of God hope not, as I can't stand being on the meds it takes to "even you out". I don't feel like things in life are out of control, I don't feel like my life is going nowhere fast, or any of the things that I was going through before when I fought it off and won. Maybe I need more sunshine, maybe more exercise, maybe a new life challenge...maybe what? I'm working on going to the gym more (really, I am.), I'm starting a new part time job next week, and yet...I feel somewhat lost and confused right now and I don't know if it's because of where I'm at, or what.
Is it because I'm really trying to be frugal and save money and pay bills and therefore lack of funds means lack of fun? Or is it because I am still feeling so overwhielmed by living where I am, that nothing but freedom will change my outlook on things???
I'm over feeling this way, but I'm really beginning to wonder what it's going to take to help me get over the "hump" if I'm really in a rut...
Saturday, December 1, 2007
10/30/07 - Here We Go Again...
Okay...so I've been working for my docs for almost two years now (it will be two years in February) I can't believe it's gone by that fast.
In two years, cost of living has increased (anybody else feel that??) but has my paycheck? Nope. I have been trying to pay things off, not ring up more debt, but life is expensive and doing it on just my check from the MD's...just not cutting it.
I worked at two jobs for at least 3 if not really close to 4 years, and at one point landed myself in the hospital for surgery, and at another point, wound up driving all over tim-buk-tu eating up gas and therefore my paycheck. So taking on a second job again was quite literally close to the bottom of my "want to do again" list.
I already drive all over the dang city for my job w/the docs, what with being between the two offices during the week, so sure, why not add something to my plate?
Yup, I did it, I went and got a second job tonight. I actually applied for it over a month ago, but apparently their computer system was down and the people never got my email until the week I was in California, she called and we set up tonight's interview. If you could actually call it an interview.
I am now the latest addition to the team at the Golden branch of Camp Bow Wow. Sounds fun right? You're right. Unless I get stuck with doody duty. Where else do you get PAID to play with pups all day and then go home w/o the mess waiting for you there?
Anyways, I'm only working there 4 hours on Saturdays and Sundays just to help pay some more stuff off so I can MOVE!!! I will be working the early shift (I know what you're thinking...she's nuts, she's too much of a night owl), but before you say too much, I'm off by 1130 so my nights are free! Yay!
Well...Camp Bow Wow Campers...here I come!
In two years, cost of living has increased (anybody else feel that??) but has my paycheck? Nope. I have been trying to pay things off, not ring up more debt, but life is expensive and doing it on just my check from the MD's...just not cutting it.
I worked at two jobs for at least 3 if not really close to 4 years, and at one point landed myself in the hospital for surgery, and at another point, wound up driving all over tim-buk-tu eating up gas and therefore my paycheck. So taking on a second job again was quite literally close to the bottom of my "want to do again" list.
I already drive all over the dang city for my job w/the docs, what with being between the two offices during the week, so sure, why not add something to my plate?
Yup, I did it, I went and got a second job tonight. I actually applied for it over a month ago, but apparently their computer system was down and the people never got my email until the week I was in California, she called and we set up tonight's interview. If you could actually call it an interview.
I am now the latest addition to the team at the Golden branch of Camp Bow Wow. Sounds fun right? You're right. Unless I get stuck with doody duty. Where else do you get PAID to play with pups all day and then go home w/o the mess waiting for you there?
Anyways, I'm only working there 4 hours on Saturdays and Sundays just to help pay some more stuff off so I can MOVE!!! I will be working the early shift (I know what you're thinking...she's nuts, she's too much of a night owl), but before you say too much, I'm off by 1130 so my nights are free! Yay!
Well...Camp Bow Wow Campers...here I come!
9/3/07 - Office Crap
Okay...this blog has been stewing for just over a week...it's just taken me that long to gather my thoughts and make them make some sort of sense...
I go to work, I show up, I do a good job (or at least I try and it seems like there are no complaints, I have never been "talked to" about my work), and for the most part, I actually enjoy what I do. However, we all have them...the co-worker who drives us absolutely crazy. I have one who absolutely drives me NUTS. When I started, this person was one of the two/three that trained me on how to do my job. After being with my company for a few months, I figured some things out on my own (I'm not completely dense) about them, was (unwillingly) informed of details of their personal life that ended up directly affecting me because of the in office relationship they were in.
Since that relationship was blown out of the water (due to their own stupidity, not due to me doing anything, contrary to what the person believes.) this person has made not only my life, but everyone in the office's lives a living nightmare. Over the course of the last two and a half weeks, this has gotten even worse. It seems that every thirty seconds I'm turning around and THERE THEY ARE.
I am an emotional person everywhere but at work. Or at least I try my damndest not to be emotional at work. However, when you have someone who will NOT leave you alone to do your job and keeps trying to make you fail so that they can gloat over you gets to be too much. I lost it twice at work in the last two weeks, and that pisses me off.
Once was at the office where this person was, but thank god my office is back in a corner, so I was able to have my moment, let only the two people I care to know about it know, and then could deal with it on my own. The second was at the other office (my preferred office) while discussing it with my co-worker that knows everything. (LOVE HER.)
This has gotten under my skin quite badly, and even had me looking for another job at one point last week. I didn't apply for anything, but I sure did look at what else is out there to see if I have a couple options out there. I don't want to leave my job, I love my co-workers (except for the one that's the problem), I love the two doctors I work for, but for crying out loud, why, if I'm doing my job to the best that I can POSSIBLY do, and you know that I'm good at what I do, would you want to drive me away? Oh right, because you get your jollies by making other people's lives a nightmare. Oh, and because you HAVE to have your hand in everything that goes on in the office.
This co-worker is also good at making an attempt at a pre-emptive strike before you finally say something to them putting this person on the defensive. Example: asks me what's wrong (because I'm unusually quiet in the office, and let's face it, I'm not that quiet normally), in front of at least 6 other people in the break room. How unprofessional is this? If you know someone is upset with you, pull them aside, and deal with the situation between the two of you. I'm not going to fall for this and embarrass my co-workers, let alone myself, by starting something with you in front of them that has nothing to do with them. It's none of their business and I don't need the office to know all of my business. However, if you don't quit cornering me, guess what, back off or one of these days I'm just going to strike out at you (verbally) like a cornered, rabid dog.
Step the f*ck off.
I go to work, I show up, I do a good job (or at least I try and it seems like there are no complaints, I have never been "talked to" about my work), and for the most part, I actually enjoy what I do. However, we all have them...the co-worker who drives us absolutely crazy. I have one who absolutely drives me NUTS. When I started, this person was one of the two/three that trained me on how to do my job. After being with my company for a few months, I figured some things out on my own (I'm not completely dense) about them, was (unwillingly) informed of details of their personal life that ended up directly affecting me because of the in office relationship they were in.
Since that relationship was blown out of the water (due to their own stupidity, not due to me doing anything, contrary to what the person believes.) this person has made not only my life, but everyone in the office's lives a living nightmare. Over the course of the last two and a half weeks, this has gotten even worse. It seems that every thirty seconds I'm turning around and THERE THEY ARE.
I am an emotional person everywhere but at work. Or at least I try my damndest not to be emotional at work. However, when you have someone who will NOT leave you alone to do your job and keeps trying to make you fail so that they can gloat over you gets to be too much. I lost it twice at work in the last two weeks, and that pisses me off.
Once was at the office where this person was, but thank god my office is back in a corner, so I was able to have my moment, let only the two people I care to know about it know, and then could deal with it on my own. The second was at the other office (my preferred office) while discussing it with my co-worker that knows everything. (LOVE HER.)
This has gotten under my skin quite badly, and even had me looking for another job at one point last week. I didn't apply for anything, but I sure did look at what else is out there to see if I have a couple options out there. I don't want to leave my job, I love my co-workers (except for the one that's the problem), I love the two doctors I work for, but for crying out loud, why, if I'm doing my job to the best that I can POSSIBLY do, and you know that I'm good at what I do, would you want to drive me away? Oh right, because you get your jollies by making other people's lives a nightmare. Oh, and because you HAVE to have your hand in everything that goes on in the office.
This co-worker is also good at making an attempt at a pre-emptive strike before you finally say something to them putting this person on the defensive. Example: asks me what's wrong (because I'm unusually quiet in the office, and let's face it, I'm not that quiet normally), in front of at least 6 other people in the break room. How unprofessional is this? If you know someone is upset with you, pull them aside, and deal with the situation between the two of you. I'm not going to fall for this and embarrass my co-workers, let alone myself, by starting something with you in front of them that has nothing to do with them. It's none of their business and I don't need the office to know all of my business. However, if you don't quit cornering me, guess what, back off or one of these days I'm just going to strike out at you (verbally) like a cornered, rabid dog.
Step the f*ck off.
If this is a preview... 9/15/07
...then I'm scared for the main feature.
My parents' 34th wedding anniversary is today. My dad (the romantic that he is) calls me at work last week and says, how cool would it be to surprise Mom with a party for our anniversary and while we're there, have Kurt re-marry us and renew our vows? I immediatly got choked up. How freakin' cute is this?
So my mind immediately kicks into overdrive, and sends me into a whole other dimension of planning a party. This one is special...it means something a little more. Music, flowers, food, people, timing, secrets. Dear Lord, give me strength to make it through this week!
Let me give you a basic timeline of how this shindig was pulled off...
Phone calls were made last Saturday. Melissa and I were at the florist on Monday (sidenote, don't go to the Flowerama on 80th and Sheridan), orders placed and paid for. Wednesday food and cake were ordered and confirmed. Thursday the meltdown with the florist (hence the reason not to go there and if you do, deal ONLY with Amanda, she's the only one who seems to know what she's doing) happened which set me off for the next few hours. Oh, and that little "tiff" with the florist...triggered a migraine. Joy. Not only stress, but pain. Thursday night, driving all over southern Denver looking for the right flowers for the top of the cake. No luck. Headache getting worse. Friday morning, holy crap, my head feels like it's in a vice. Call in to work, roll over and go right back to sleep. Wake up around 1030, shower get dressed, even with a minor migraine (at this point in time), still have crap that needs to get done.
Long story slightly long...pulled it off.
Mom was shocked at the fact that we got her with something like this, Kurt did his thing, good times were had by all.
I"m sure I'll be posting a bucnh of pictures etc here in a little bit, but until then rest assured, if ever the right man comes along, it will take some serious convincing to make me want to plan a large wedding.
If planning a mini-non wedding for 20 people was this much work, I can only imagine how much work a wedding can be and to that I have a one word response.
VEGAS.
Hope you all have a great rest of your weekend, I'm off for a nap.
PS: The video that was made for the party today turned out great, thank you to Becky Duran for helping me into the wee hours to make it look as good as it does. It's posted in my videos.
My parents' 34th wedding anniversary is today. My dad (the romantic that he is) calls me at work last week and says, how cool would it be to surprise Mom with a party for our anniversary and while we're there, have Kurt re-marry us and renew our vows? I immediatly got choked up. How freakin' cute is this?
So my mind immediately kicks into overdrive, and sends me into a whole other dimension of planning a party. This one is special...it means something a little more. Music, flowers, food, people, timing, secrets. Dear Lord, give me strength to make it through this week!
Let me give you a basic timeline of how this shindig was pulled off...
Phone calls were made last Saturday. Melissa and I were at the florist on Monday (sidenote, don't go to the Flowerama on 80th and Sheridan), orders placed and paid for. Wednesday food and cake were ordered and confirmed. Thursday the meltdown with the florist (hence the reason not to go there and if you do, deal ONLY with Amanda, she's the only one who seems to know what she's doing) happened which set me off for the next few hours. Oh, and that little "tiff" with the florist...triggered a migraine. Joy. Not only stress, but pain. Thursday night, driving all over southern Denver looking for the right flowers for the top of the cake. No luck. Headache getting worse. Friday morning, holy crap, my head feels like it's in a vice. Call in to work, roll over and go right back to sleep. Wake up around 1030, shower get dressed, even with a minor migraine (at this point in time), still have crap that needs to get done.
Long story slightly long...pulled it off.
Mom was shocked at the fact that we got her with something like this, Kurt did his thing, good times were had by all.
I"m sure I'll be posting a bucnh of pictures etc here in a little bit, but until then rest assured, if ever the right man comes along, it will take some serious convincing to make me want to plan a large wedding.
If planning a mini-non wedding for 20 people was this much work, I can only imagine how much work a wedding can be and to that I have a one word response.
VEGAS.
Hope you all have a great rest of your weekend, I'm off for a nap.
PS: The video that was made for the party today turned out great, thank you to Becky Duran for helping me into the wee hours to make it look as good as it does. It's posted in my videos.
Humanity and my recent lack of faith in it. 8/27/07
Okay, so I need rant.
One of my best girlfriends from college is going through an extremely rough time right now, and the thing that is making her life miserable is someone who is single-handedly proving to me that there really are such assholes out there in the world.
If you choose to show up to a party that you weren't invited to, proceed to mainline a large quantity of alcohol that you provided yourself, try to start something with party guests (who WERE invited), then struggle to get out an already blocked door and manage to fall and whack yourself on your head, you deserve it.
I do honestly feel bad that you are now permanently disabled from being able to work. However, why should my friend, who's party YOU crashed, have to foot the bill for your stupidity? You are the one who sold insurance for a living BUT CHOSE NOT TO CARRY ANY OF YOUR OWN!!!
Hey dumbass...yours is comin'.
8/24/07
So here I sit, on a Friday night, at home, in pj's and it's 930pm. Some moments I feel like a complete loser for doing just this and then I think about how I'm trying to remember that I don't care what the world thinks. Yeah, that's a whole heckuva lot easier to say than do!
I also just this second realized I didn't call my best friend back tonight. I'm a dork. Cher, I'm so sorry!
This week has been interesting in ways, it was a basic week at work, no big deal, finished housesitting for a friend on Sunday, picked her up from the airport, had a GREAT dinner and conversation, yet somehow, something feels like it's missing from my week. Maybe it's the fact that for the first time in a LONG time, I have not had something going on every night this week. How sad am I that while I am so glad to have a life and friends that keep me busy, I'm thrilled with having some time to just relax and not have to be somewhere each night. Now, that being said, you would have thought, hey, if she has all this time on her hands, she would have gotten caught up on all the crap that we all have to deal with on a daily basis, like laundry, clean the bathroom, vacuuming, etc etc etc. Yeah, no. I was a lazy bum this week. AND IT FELT GLORIOUS!!!
I am by no means trying to say that I am sick of spending time with my friends. I am lucky to have amazing friends who actually want to spent their valuable time with me. I am in no way trying to say "hey, quit calling me and wanting to do stuff...I'm going to go be a hermit for a week", I'm just saying, it's nice to be able to come home, kick my shoes off at the door, throw my bag on the couch, kick back, and do NOTHING if I want to.
Crap, this all makes me feel and sound old. I always swore I would never grow up. Oh well, turning 29 and working will do that to you. Can't I just go back to being in college where the "real world" is after graduation, which would be at a quarter to never? I watched the movie "Van Wilder" this past weekend. Minus one scene (if you've seen the movie, you know which one I'm talking about), I could totally identify with the guy who didn't want to leave collge. Who in their right mind, would?
On a completely seperate note, I went car shopping tonight. Hallelujah, the wagon is on the market for new owner. Know anyone who wants a used stations wagon? Ahh...memories of the Shaggin' Wagon (yes, Allison, that was a direct steal from you and the van)...crashing Brew At the Zoo, Bek's bachelorette party, there are more I'm sure. I am a girl in the market for a car that is actually something that looks like a car that a 29 year old single woman WITHOUT CHILDREN would drive around. I can't discredit the car, I was (and still am) very lucky to have been given this car in my hour of need. Now, my hour of need has changed from needing that car, to needing someone to buy the car from me. Any takers?
Okay, I have already fallen asleep at my computer (and no, I'm not in bed with the laptop this time, I'm actually sitting at a table with the laptop on it) once, and I"m sure there would be more, however I am calling it good, and am headed for bed.
Adios all.
J
I also just this second realized I didn't call my best friend back tonight. I'm a dork. Cher, I'm so sorry!
This week has been interesting in ways, it was a basic week at work, no big deal, finished housesitting for a friend on Sunday, picked her up from the airport, had a GREAT dinner and conversation, yet somehow, something feels like it's missing from my week. Maybe it's the fact that for the first time in a LONG time, I have not had something going on every night this week. How sad am I that while I am so glad to have a life and friends that keep me busy, I'm thrilled with having some time to just relax and not have to be somewhere each night. Now, that being said, you would have thought, hey, if she has all this time on her hands, she would have gotten caught up on all the crap that we all have to deal with on a daily basis, like laundry, clean the bathroom, vacuuming, etc etc etc. Yeah, no. I was a lazy bum this week. AND IT FELT GLORIOUS!!!
I am by no means trying to say that I am sick of spending time with my friends. I am lucky to have amazing friends who actually want to spent their valuable time with me. I am in no way trying to say "hey, quit calling me and wanting to do stuff...I'm going to go be a hermit for a week", I'm just saying, it's nice to be able to come home, kick my shoes off at the door, throw my bag on the couch, kick back, and do NOTHING if I want to.
Crap, this all makes me feel and sound old. I always swore I would never grow up. Oh well, turning 29 and working will do that to you. Can't I just go back to being in college where the "real world" is after graduation, which would be at a quarter to never? I watched the movie "Van Wilder" this past weekend. Minus one scene (if you've seen the movie, you know which one I'm talking about), I could totally identify with the guy who didn't want to leave collge. Who in their right mind, would?
On a completely seperate note, I went car shopping tonight. Hallelujah, the wagon is on the market for new owner. Know anyone who wants a used stations wagon? Ahh...memories of the Shaggin' Wagon (yes, Allison, that was a direct steal from you and the van)...crashing Brew At the Zoo, Bek's bachelorette party, there are more I'm sure. I am a girl in the market for a car that is actually something that looks like a car that a 29 year old single woman WITHOUT CHILDREN would drive around. I can't discredit the car, I was (and still am) very lucky to have been given this car in my hour of need. Now, my hour of need has changed from needing that car, to needing someone to buy the car from me. Any takers?
Okay, I have already fallen asleep at my computer (and no, I'm not in bed with the laptop this time, I'm actually sitting at a table with the laptop on it) once, and I"m sure there would be more, however I am calling it good, and am headed for bed.
Adios all.
J
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Sad sad sad...
As most know, I broke up with my ex in January, and have been happy with my decision, have never second guessed myself. I never meant to hurt him, and when things were ended, I sincerely wished him the best.
Flash forward 6 months, I sign on to AIM, and the wonderful little alert lets me know I have 33 messages in my email. Now, this is the email address that I rarely check, because honestly, AOL mail drives me nutty. I figure, hmmm...33 messages, probably should go weed through all the forwards from my mother. I open up my email, and lo and be-freakin-hold...I find an email from my ex.
I'll be honest, the whole thing took me by complete surprise. Haven't heard/seen/anything from the guy in 6 months (which is fine, that's what happens when you break up), and here he is in my email box.
It was a picture of him with his new girlfriend and then the words "u so lost out".
WHATEVER.
Flash forward 6 months, I sign on to AIM, and the wonderful little alert lets me know I have 33 messages in my email. Now, this is the email address that I rarely check, because honestly, AOL mail drives me nutty. I figure, hmmm...33 messages, probably should go weed through all the forwards from my mother. I open up my email, and lo and be-freakin-hold...I find an email from my ex.
I'll be honest, the whole thing took me by complete surprise. Haven't heard/seen/anything from the guy in 6 months (which is fine, that's what happens when you break up), and here he is in my email box.
It was a picture of him with his new girlfriend and then the words "u so lost out".
WHATEVER.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Mental Vomit
Okay, so I posted this not too long ago on my myspace blog...and felt like keeping it for posterity.
Disclaimer: I titled this Mental Vomit for a reason, you're going to read a lot of "me" stuff and realize that yes I know that there is rational thought somewhere in the back of my mind. If you aren't comfortable with someone venting or "mentally vomiting" please stop reading now. Please feel free to comment, but remember...I'm fine...just need to get this off my chest.
So, we all know I moved out of my place with John and Dan because it's where I was financially drowning. Yup, we know it. I got some interesting news this week though from one of the ex-roommates. They are getting a third roommate (this honest to god doesn't bother me), and John told me to guess who it was...yup, his worst nightmare came true. Bill was moving in this week with the guys. Have fun boys.
I've been having problems (in my screwy head) lately though, now that I'm BACK at mom and dad's, that I feel like I'm drowning, but in a different sense. I know, I'm lucky, I have a roof over my head, family who loves me no matter how bad I screw up, but I can't shake this feeling of never going to be able to get out of this god forsaken rut I feel I'm in.
It's hard because I feel like most of my friends are unavailable. Not because you want to be unavailable, or make yourselves unavailable. Please understand that I know you have lives! Most of you are on one end of the spectrum of life or another. There are some of you that are married, happily living life and working on your families. (I'm jealous.) Then there are the rest of you loving dating, going out to bars, get drunk, go home, (some of you with strange people, but hey, that's your choice) be hungover for a day, start the cycle over again. I know I'm not on one end of the spectrum (married, kids, etc.) but I feel like I'm past the other end of it, and am stuck somewhere in the middle!
What I feel like is that my friends are out living their lives and having a good time, and I'm stuck on the other side of the two way glass watching the whole thing pass me by. I try to put myself out there, and just feel that no matter how hard I try, I'm still just that junior high kid who feels like no body wants them there. Yes, this is a complex in my own head that I'm doing everything I can to kick back into gear and realize I'm just throwing myself a pity party. However, when this is what you feel everyday when you see your friends get into relationships that are great, it's hard!!! You are ESTATIC for them, and not in that phony way, you are genuinely happy for them in their new found whatever. You just wish it was you for once.
If you can't already tell, I also have lately had a really hard time of processing what's going on in my life with relationships. Yes, I had a really bad situation and I'm out of it. (I swear Melissa...NEVER AGAIN.) Apparently, my old bad situation decided to finally end the other half of the situation and move out. Not only did he leave, but now, he's asking about me. It kills me. I've already nipped that in the bud. I remind myself of the pain I went through and the stupidity I felt while in and just after that relationship, but the sadistic part of me wonders. I wonder if it had been under different circumstances, things might have worked. The whole "what if" factor. After that whole hell was over, I thought I found a guy who I maybe I could spend some more time getting to know from my past, and maybe see where things could go. We had a good time while we were together, but apparently, it's impossible to be the man in the situation after that and YOU be the one to start conversations and YOU be the one to call. (Rachel, this is where your WONDERFUL phrase of "NUT UP" comes in to play.)
Is this a part of me demanding the "princess" treatment? Maybe. But ya know what, how often do I demand that? I would like to think that I am an easy going girl who goes with the flow...but when it comes down to something that is as important as love, can my standards be set too high? I know that some people believe that yes, you can set your standards too high, but I guess I'm at the point where I don't want to lower my standards in order to be loved, because if you can't love me (every part of the crazy mixed up me) for who I am, screw you. You aren't the one. That may be conceited, but so what. Love me for me or move on to someone else.
Nobody should have to change to be loved.
Disclaimer: I titled this Mental Vomit for a reason, you're going to read a lot of "me" stuff and realize that yes I know that there is rational thought somewhere in the back of my mind. If you aren't comfortable with someone venting or "mentally vomiting" please stop reading now. Please feel free to comment, but remember...I'm fine...just need to get this off my chest.
So, we all know I moved out of my place with John and Dan because it's where I was financially drowning. Yup, we know it. I got some interesting news this week though from one of the ex-roommates. They are getting a third roommate (this honest to god doesn't bother me), and John told me to guess who it was...yup, his worst nightmare came true. Bill was moving in this week with the guys. Have fun boys.
I've been having problems (in my screwy head) lately though, now that I'm BACK at mom and dad's, that I feel like I'm drowning, but in a different sense. I know, I'm lucky, I have a roof over my head, family who loves me no matter how bad I screw up, but I can't shake this feeling of never going to be able to get out of this god forsaken rut I feel I'm in.
It's hard because I feel like most of my friends are unavailable. Not because you want to be unavailable, or make yourselves unavailable. Please understand that I know you have lives! Most of you are on one end of the spectrum of life or another. There are some of you that are married, happily living life and working on your families. (I'm jealous.) Then there are the rest of you loving dating, going out to bars, get drunk, go home, (some of you with strange people, but hey, that's your choice) be hungover for a day, start the cycle over again. I know I'm not on one end of the spectrum (married, kids, etc.) but I feel like I'm past the other end of it, and am stuck somewhere in the middle!
What I feel like is that my friends are out living their lives and having a good time, and I'm stuck on the other side of the two way glass watching the whole thing pass me by. I try to put myself out there, and just feel that no matter how hard I try, I'm still just that junior high kid who feels like no body wants them there. Yes, this is a complex in my own head that I'm doing everything I can to kick back into gear and realize I'm just throwing myself a pity party. However, when this is what you feel everyday when you see your friends get into relationships that are great, it's hard!!! You are ESTATIC for them, and not in that phony way, you are genuinely happy for them in their new found whatever. You just wish it was you for once.
If you can't already tell, I also have lately had a really hard time of processing what's going on in my life with relationships. Yes, I had a really bad situation and I'm out of it. (I swear Melissa...NEVER AGAIN.) Apparently, my old bad situation decided to finally end the other half of the situation and move out. Not only did he leave, but now, he's asking about me. It kills me. I've already nipped that in the bud. I remind myself of the pain I went through and the stupidity I felt while in and just after that relationship, but the sadistic part of me wonders. I wonder if it had been under different circumstances, things might have worked. The whole "what if" factor. After that whole hell was over, I thought I found a guy who I maybe I could spend some more time getting to know from my past, and maybe see where things could go. We had a good time while we were together, but apparently, it's impossible to be the man in the situation after that and YOU be the one to start conversations and YOU be the one to call. (Rachel, this is where your WONDERFUL phrase of "NUT UP" comes in to play.)
Is this a part of me demanding the "princess" treatment? Maybe. But ya know what, how often do I demand that? I would like to think that I am an easy going girl who goes with the flow...but when it comes down to something that is as important as love, can my standards be set too high? I know that some people believe that yes, you can set your standards too high, but I guess I'm at the point where I don't want to lower my standards in order to be loved, because if you can't love me (every part of the crazy mixed up me) for who I am, screw you. You aren't the one. That may be conceited, but so what. Love me for me or move on to someone else.
Nobody should have to change to be loved.
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